Q and N
by crazybutterflyx
Summary: I know I'm being a coward and writing everything down, but I think this is the only way you'll let me say it. Because I know you won't agree with all of it. But I need to say this. And I think you need to hear it. - Quinn writes a letter to Puck after the birth of Beth. Will possibly have more chapters, with more and more depth being added to Quick as a couple!
1. Chapter 1

**Hello! So this is my first ever Quick fanfic, just an idea I've had floating about for a while now. Please read, review and if you like it favourite! I'd really really like the feedback and there's a possibility of more if it's liked so it'd be really appreciated to know how it goes down! :)**

* * *

_"Hey you._

_I know I'm being a coward and writing everything down, but I think this is the only way you'll let me say it. Because I know you won't agree with all of it. But I need to say this. And I think you need to hear it._

_When we were in the hospital, I spent the whole time thinking about what we have, and everything that's happened over these past few months. There's so much, it's hard to believe that there's still more to come. In these nine months, I've felt more than I've felt in my lifetime. And then today, today I felt more than I'd felt in those nine months. I'm washed out to say the least. But I think this has to be said while I still can. Because after this, who knows what'll happen. But anyway, I thought of everything. I thought about what I did to Finn, about us and how we've managed to be together for months, had a baby and lived together without really ever entering a relationship, and about our baby girl. Our baby girl who, as I write this, is no longer ours. Because now, she has a new mommy._

_The drive back here sucked. As if the physical pain I'm in after pushing a baby out isn't enough, I've got all these painful emotions I just can't seem to catch. And on top of that, I can tell you're secretly mad at me. When we walked through the door, it was like the air was cold. The atmosphere was wrong. We both know what that is though, it's because she's missing. We're supposed to have a baby now, but we don't. But still, this place feels like more of a home than anywhere else I've ever known._

_I looked through the rooms when you went for a shower, and I couldn't help but see all these different versions of ourselves. I looked in the living room and remembered sitting watching movies with your sister, remembered you crying at the old man at up and I remember how I secretly hoped that we'd be that old couple, living out a life together contently. But let's pretend that was pregnancy hormones because if we talk about that, we're talking about something else we've lost. The kitchen reminds me of when you made me bacon, and then when your mom yelled at you for making me bacon – I'm sure she's still not forgiven us for that. I remember when we were cuddled up in your bed, when you sang to our little girl, when you tried to get me to picture the spare room as her nursery. When you begged me to stay as I left for Mercedes._

_But really, none of that's important now. So I'll get to the important stuff. I know you're scared she'll think you're a deadbeat. She won't, I promise. Because out of everything I could ever label you as, after these months deadbeat is definitely not one of them. As horrible as this is, we had to give her up. What could we really offer her. I know everything says love is enough, but this isn't a Beatles song. This is real life. And in the real world a baby doesn't survive on love alone. She needs food and clothes and diapers and time and toys and all of that takes money. And most of all she needs and deserves stability. We need to sort our own lives out before we raise another. We're just kids who don't even know if they're together. And then, even if we were together, how long would it last?_

_So here's where I get honest with you. I don't trust you enough to raise her with you. I'm so sorry, I wish I did and I know I should. But everyone in my life has done something to prove that you can't trust people, even you. I can't predict the future, and no matter what you say I don't know if you're going to go off with some other girl when I'm too tired. If I'm honest I don't think you would, but I don't want to take that risk with her. But please never think I wanted it this way. I wish I could hold my baby every single day til I die. But I can't be selfish about her._

_Please don't think I blame you. It's not just you I don't trust. I can't even trust myself. You know as well as me the mess I'm in. Do you honestly believe I'm capable of being a mother? I've depended on you to look after me for a while now, I can't expect you to look after me and her. What if I flipped out and left? Or cheated on you like I did Finn? What if I couldn't hack it? What if I messed her up more than my parents did me?_

_I'm so sorry. Truly I am because I know I've taken away part of you. But we have to grow up once. Maybe one day we'll be ready, Noah. Maybe one day."_

* * *

I looked at Noah sleeping beside me as I wrote the letter that said it all. My Noah. To everyone else, he's Puck. But to me, he's Noah. He's one of the sweetest, kindest people in this place, definitely in my life. I can't help but love him. Smiling, I slide out of bed and sneak out of the room, then downstairs and out of the front door, taking his keys with me. I approach his truck, looking back to check there's no lights going on in the house. Opening the truck door I try to lift myself in but am too sore. I guess I'll just have to do it from here. I take the letter I've spent the last half hour writing and stretch as far as I'm able to put it into the glove compartment. With the letter in place, I head back to the house and sneak back into my side of Noah's bed, curling up with him again. He'll find it tomorrow.

* * *

After a couple of days moping around the Puckerman household, I went back to school. I wasn't expecting to be easy, but I think the less time spent away, the easier it'll be to face my demons. So back I went, stares I faced, and slushies I avoided. And it was hell. That is until I reached my locker. I span the code in and opened it up to find not only the books I'd left, but I single sunflower with a single piece of folded paper attached:

_"I love you. Tell me when one day arrives._

_N. x"_

And I smiled.

* * *

**Would you like to read more? My idea would be to address moments in the series where I feel Quick moments could have been but weren't! For instance my next chapter would be my take on the summer we never got to see and then after that Quinn visiting Puck at the time of his season 2 prison stint! Then I've got a good few other ideas, things like how she reacted to him and Lauren etc! If you'd like that, let me know! **

**Either way thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Before I start I'd just like to say thanks to those who've followed this story! I don't care how many there are of you, as long as there's one person wanting to read my work I'll be happy to post it here! So this is chapter 2, hope you like it... Let me know! :)**_

* * *

"Please forgive me." He whispers, and silently admits all. Admits how he cheated on me before beth was born, how he lied to me for months.

"So it's true?" I wimper, all the anger and fight I've had helping me survive this year gone from me. "You slept with her?"

"Yeah, yeah Quinn I did. But I never meant for it to happen, it was just after you left for Mercedes, and I was sad and she was there and –"

"And it meant nothing, it was a one time thing, she's got nothing on me? Save it Noah. I've heard it before." I feel like my world's crashing down around me. Everything we've been working towards is gone in an instant. "You slept with her when I was carrying Beth, that's not nothing. And if cheating wasn't enough, you went for Lisa Kinry. She was the new me! It's too much Puck, she's just another conquest. Like I was. Like I was until we found out about Beth."

_I look him in the eyes for the first time since this argument started. I can see it there, the pain. It's the same look that he had when I left, both times. Both times he asked me to stay, both times I didn't. Well, he begged the second time. Begged through my comments about how we had to be normal._

_"But we're not normal Q!" he told me. And for the first time he showed me his temper, throwing whatever was in reach across his room. "Nothing we've ever done is normal, our entire relationship has been messed up from the beginning!"_

_"Puck please don't! This is hard enough as it is. Please listen to me!" I'd wailed, and grabbed his hands in mine. "If we're going to be together, we have to do it this way. Look at us! We've shared a home and had a baby without ever even changing our facebook status! "He smiled at me and I knew I was getting through. "I love you Noah, and I'm not trying to hurt you. But we need to do this properly if we're going to make it. I want us to be perfect so we need a clean slate. No secrets, no surprises. Just us."_

_"Okay Q, I'll give you that." He mumbled, adding "I'm sorry, for losing my temper yknow? I just don't like know how to deal with people leaving, not after my dad.. And I got scared."_

_"Noah Puckerman, I love you. You are my babydaddy, my first." I say, cupping his face in my hands. "I've tamed me a Puckasaurus, do you really think I'm going to allow such a wild, rare beast escape?"_

Except I hadn't tamed him, or we wouldn't be here now.

"Quinn please, you've got to believe me. I didn't say anything because I was scared of losing you! You're my entire world. I couldn't bear to lose you."

"Don't turn this around on me. I want nothing more than to be with you. But you brought this on us. I gave you the perfect chance, when we were starting this whole do it proper thing I said no secrets! And you kept one so I had to find out from Santana. SANTANA! I'm going to have to face her gloating about it every day too!"

"Look Quinn, I just didn't want to bring up the past. We were happy, you were happy. I didn't want to destroy everything for both of us. I'm sorry, just think of the good times."

And I'm trying to, really I am. I think about our first real date, where he reserved the secluded table at Breadstix where it feels like you've got the place to yourself. And the sunflowers he placed on the table.

_"They remind me of you" He told me when I asked why he chose them. "Remember when we were in like second grade or something and we had to grow them? And everyone in the class didn't manage but you." I smile at the memory, even aged 8 I had to be the best. "Well, I went home that night I asked mom why mine didn't grow and she told me sunflowers are tricky, something about how they need exactly the right amount of lots of things. And I guess, as we got older, that reminded me of you. Like if your parents had showered you in water, you wouldn't have grown to be as amazing as you are today. Like how if you drown a sunflower, it doesn't grow right."_

I remember sitting there and thinking that was the most beautiful thing anyone had ever said to me. And now I'm sitting across the room from the same guy and the memory breaks my heart even more.

"I can't do this Puck, I'm sorry." I say, holding back the tears. "I need time at least, and even then I don't know how much."

"Please Quinn, I'll do anything." He says, and I can see he's fighting the tears too.

"Then leave me alone for now." I cry, and leave before I break down in front of him. Reaching my little red beetle that was returned to me when I moved back to moms, I drive to the end of his street and turn the corner before putting it back into park and breaking down in the front seat. Just like I did over Beth. Just like I always do when things get bad.

* * *

_**I kind of hate myself for doing this. But I'm trying to do this as closely as I can to Glee, so Sam and Quinn will happen, but I'll have Puck reacting to it which we didn't get. I've got lots of ideas for lots more chapters which will kind of take us to the duration of their stories in Glee and them some for my own! If anyone has anything they'd like me to cover, review or pm me and I'll get back to you on it! Please keep reading and let me know what you think about the chapter! **_

_**And I am sorry for breaking them up, had to!**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys! Loving the feedback so far, keep it coming! So I'm getting out chapters ever couple of days at the moment because I've got time, but that's just because I'm off work and uni for a bit just now, Just to warn you, I'll try keep a good speed when I do go back to uni but it'll be a bit more difficult! Please dont let that put you off though, we're talking over a month until then anyway! Anyway, hope you like this one!**

* * *

"You are an idiot."

"Hello to you too Quinn." He says, smiling at me through the glass. "Nice of you to finally come see me."

"I've been busy Puck. Sue me" I say, sighing down the stupid prison phone. "Life goes on."

"Or reverts backwards." He snarls. "Hows captaining the squad going? Any progress with Finn yet either? Get him and youll be right back to where you were this time last year, just like you always wanted."

"Don't you dare look down on me for moving on Puck. I can't spend every day obsessing over what's happened, I need to move on. I need to keep my grades up, pick up extra credit so I can maybe, just maybe, pull back my chances of going to a good school and getting out of this hellhole." I snap. "Would you rather I acted like you and ended up in here? All your doing right now is proving I was right to end things Puck, and that I was right not to keep her, you're not worthy of her right now.

I watch as he looks at me, hurt by my words. I know it's harsh, and I'm not saying it to hurt him. I just need him to understand that what I'm doing isn't wrong but what he's doing is. Even then, I know I'm being too harsh so I take a few deep breaths to calm myself down. "What were you even playing at anyway?"

"I dunno. I was just angry after our talk and mom needed me to go to the store, and then I was driving and I didn't stop. By the time I realised what was happening I'd smashed through the wall of the store, and then I was like well why not just grab it and run, get away from everything here." He tells me, looking down at the desk in front of him and fiddling with the phone wire, clearly avoiding my gaze. "I know you don't want me around you Quinn, and it's kind of killing me to see you every day, see all the guys ogling you again, so I thought I'd do what I do well and be a coward. Be like my dad and run when it gets tough. It's in my genes. "

"Don't you dare try and leave me again Puckerman. Just because I'm mad at you doesn't mean I will be tomorrow, or next week. And I'm only distancing myself from you because I want to move on and you don't seem to be ready to. And I cant ask you to move on if I'm not ready to, so maybe we need to move at our own paces." He looks at me, and I can really see pain in his eyes, and I hate myself for causing it. "As for our talk, I told you I was sorry for saying you were a loser and that she was better of without you. I didn't mean it. You know I didn't. I just did what I always do and lash out at everyone around me."

"I know Q, I know." He smiles, but it doesn't really meet his eyes. "Tell me honestly, what's the deal with Finn?"

"Nothing, Puck. There is no deal. He is very content with Rachel. What he told you about was me doing Rachel a favour. She thought he'd take me over her, but he didn't. Have to admit it was a bit of the kick to my ego though."

"So you don't want him?"

"No. At least, not really." I sigh as his eyes dart back to mine. "Finn was part of a perfect picture for me. But I don't know. You showed me that just because something looks perfect, doesn't mean it feels it."

"So you're in to me?" He asks, hopefully.

"Not this you. But the old you was my first real love. No matter what I do I won't really get rid of those feelings. I'll always feel my heart flutter when you look at me when you sing, or when someone else sings a song like The Only Exception in glee. And maybe that means we can work on something in the future. But who knows."

"Time." The guard says, and I know it's time for me to go.

"Please come back soon Q? I hate it here!"

"I will Puck." I say, and I know I will. But when, I don't know. I can't help but feel bad as I leave. I didn't mention Sam once. He tried to kiss me. We're supposed to sing together and he tried to kiss me. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't want him to. He's cute, I can't help but feel that. But it also feels like I'm doing what I seem to always do and cheat.

* * *

"I have to be honest with you Puck . And I really need to listen." I say, biting my lip. My stomach feels like it's being rocked by a swarm out butterflies.

"Okay, Q. what is it?"

"Oh god, I really don't want to say this. I'm sorry Puck, but I'm seeing someone."

"What? Who? If it's Finn!" he growls, his anger apparent.

"For God's sake Puck! It's not Finn! It's Sam."

"The guy who transferred? With the crazy sized mouth? HIM? REALLY?!" He shouts and I can see the guards approaching him already. I know I don't have much time.

"Yes Puck, him. I'm sorry. But we need to move forward. " And that's all I get to say before the guards drag him away yelling words I can't hear through the glass at me as he goes. I don't get to say anything else.

I can't tell him how Sam makes me feel safe. How he manages to stop me feeling bad about what happened last year. He's silly and goofy but he was the first one to tell me that he thought I was brave. Not stupid. He doesn't care what I did, he cares about how I reacted. And it was that that made me decide I needed him. Or at least, I needed to try. And then during Rachel and Kurt's duet I really listened to the words. And as cheesy as this sounds, I really do need to forget my troubles. If I keep focusing on Puck and Beth, I'll never move forward, and I have to.

* * *

"I'm sorry for last time." Puck whispers through the phone, and I see there's more guards this time than last. I guess that's what happen when a prisoner kicks off.

"What happened to your face Puck?" I say. I gasped when I saw him, his left eye blackened by what I imagine was another prisoners fist.

"It's rough in here Q. But don't worry I can handle it. You should see the other guy and all that" he winks, and I know he's lying but why ruin it for him? "So, you and Sam huh? I shouldn't have lost it last time. It was just a shock. But I guess he'll be good for you."

"Thank you. So, tell me about what you got going here."

* * *

"Puck, you're out!" I gasp across the hallway upon seeing him.

"That I am Q, that I am. Agreed to do some community service so they let me out early. Miss me?" He winks.

"That depends on how you act from here on really doesn't it Puck." I smile, and notice for the first time that Puck and I really don't know how to be civil with each other when we're not together. We've always been either hooking up, or hating on each other. We don't have an inbetween.

"I dont know how to be anything but in love with you Q" He tells me, pulling me to one side. "But I'm trying. I want to be your friend. And please don't go crazy, but I had a word with that Sam kid. He's okay."

"You did what?" I growl at him, letting my anger flare up in my eyes.

"I warned him that he has to be good with you is all. Not make mine and Finn's mistakes. That you've been through a lot, and that he can't push you to anything because if I hear he has, he'll be a Samantha when I'm finished with him" Puck looks at me with the most genuine look I'll ever see on his face, the same look he gave me after Beth was born, "I love you Q. I always will, and I won't do anything but protect you. And right now, I'm still looking forward to the day you mentioned in your letter. And I know it's coming. Whether its tomorrow, next week, year, decade, we will be back together."

"Thank you, Noah" I say, pretty much lost for words.

"I know you love me too Quinn, and I know Sam and Finn or anyone else in this world won't match it. I'm not being cocky, I just do. But I'm cool with waiting til you come to that same conclusion."

"I'll let you know when I do."

* * *

_**So, I'm not sure how I feel about this. This is kind of always what i imagined Quinn to feel when she was getting with Sam, that she was looking for safety. So that's what I tried to do here, but I want this to be about Quinn and Puck's interactions rather than what could kind of come out as a diary entry from Quinn. Did it work? This is different to all my other writing pieces ever, so I'm not too sure. Feedback would be great right now. Also, same as before if anyone has any ideas then just let me know! :)**_


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